Seminary was trans-formative for me a number of ways. I mentioned the inclusion I experienced in a church community and the importance of meeting others who are gay.
Third, I went to a psychologist for therapy. Early in seminary I was still really anxious and depressed, and I told my counselor that my goal was just to be happy again. In my own mind, however, I started therapy thinking that I was feeling miserable because, well, that came with the territory of being gay, and I hoped to find a way out of being gay.
However, my counselor led me through some really in-depth therapy, and what I discovered was that I was miserable not because that was an inherent part of being gay but because I had swallowed the message of our society that gay people are sick and that gay relationships are sinful. That message, I realized, was like poison to my soul.
So what was I going to do? Well, what do you do when you discover that you have been inadvertently swallowing poison? You look for antidotes to the poison you have already swallowed, and you do what you can to stop swallowing the poison. And that is what my therapist helped me to do. I learned ways to let go of the message that gay people are sick and gay relationships are sinful. I came to believe that God loves me just as I am, that I too am created in God’s image, that I too am a beloved child of God, and that God would be pleased for me to have a life partner. And so over the course of my months and years of therapy I came to peace with myself and God. The anxiety faded away, and the depression faded away about 90%. I will tell you about the remaining 10% in a bit.
I sometimes summarize my therapy by saying, “I came to believe that it’s okay simply to be who I am.” Why did it take so much hard inner work to arrive at something so simple and obvious? Because I was immersed in a culture that said in a myriad of ways that it was fundamentally not okay to be who I am.
You might be wondering what kept me going through those years of depression and anxiety—and therapy. Well, my beacon of hope was Jesus’ promise in John 10:10, “I came that they might have life and have it abundantly.” I knew that I was not experiencing abundant life—I was miserable. But I held onto the hope that someday Jesus would fulfill for me that promise of abundant life. It was really that hope, that assurance, of life that kept me going.
I will continue on Thursday (Thanksgiving Day) with beginning reflections on the Bible as it relates to being gay.
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