An Historic Time for Churches to Talk
“Our daughter is gay, but we don’t talk about it with friends at church. Why? I guess it’s because no one ever talks about having gay family members or friends. So we feel uncomfortable bringing it up.”
I have heard versions of this statement articulated by a number of Christians here in West Michigan. Some of these Christians are now going to their pastors, elders, and church education directors with a request to start a congregational conversation.
Others are asking for a conversation because they are wondering how their church should respond to the US Supreme Court’s decision to legalize marriage for gay couples across the nation.
A few churches have agreed to such requests.
- Some of these are planning adult education sessions.
- Others are providing small groups that meet several times to share personal stories, invite speakers, watch films, and study books. One local church calls this small group a “Safe Spaces” group.
I have had the privilege of speaking in some of these church education and small group programs. I have been surprised and delighted at what happens:
- Church members experience a safe place to talk for the first time in church about their gay family members, friends, neighbors, or co-workers. They feel grateful and relieved to be able to speak about something they previously felt they needed to hide in church. Also, as they hear others tell similar stories, they find that they are not alone. They reach out to each other with understanding and build Christian community.
- Church members, including leaders, discover that their fears about such a conversation diminish or disappear. They find that they can engage in such a conversation with mutual love and respect, without dividing their congregation.
- Church members learn that fellow Christians respond in a variety of ways to their family members and friends who are gay. They may have previously thought that everyone else had reactions of disgust and condemnation toward those who are gay, but they discover that others have responded to their gay loved ones with compassion and even affirmation.
Planning a Church Adult Education Program
If you live here in West Michigan, I would be happy to help your church develop a plan that fits your particular congregation. I have been speaking in churches and college classes for over 20 years, and I’ve learned some approaches that work. I invite you to email me at RevJimLucas@gmail.com.
To give you an idea of what sessions in your adult education program might look like, here is a set of bulletin announcements that I created for a West Michigan church that invited me to speak:
“Gay People in the Christian Community: Two Conversations.” Do you personally know someone who is gay? Do you wonder how the church should respond to gay people in our society, including gay Christians? If so, you are not alone. However, you may feel alone. With this in mind, the Adult Education Committee has organized two sessions to open up a conversation about this timely subject. Each session will begin with speakers telling their stories and then continue with group dialogue. All are welcome!
- Sunday, ____: “A Gay Pastor’s Life and Ministry”will feature Rev. Jim Lucas, Chaplain of Gays In Faith Together. Jim will share his own story and provide insights based on pastoral care with hundreds of gay people over the last 23 years.
- Sunday, _____: “Parents Tell their Stories” will feature two sets of parents who are members of our congregation. They will tell their stories related to learning that they have children who are gay—and how they responded to this realization.
Of course, you are welcome to set up your own adult education sessions. If you do, here are some suggestions about how to “frame” these sessions:
- Speak about a dialogue or conversation rather than a debate or controversy.
- In your session titles, use language that emphasizes speaking with people rather than about a topic, issue, theological investigation.
- Note that the purpose of the sessions is to create a safe place for gay people and their families and friends to be honest and find the loving support they need.
Here are some other possible session titles in addition to the ones I mentioned above:
- “Gay Christians Tell Their Stories: A Panel Presentation”
- “Creating a Safe Space for Gay People and their Families”
- “A Conversation with Gay Christians”
- “What Do Our Gay Members Need from the Church?”
- “Our Son is Gay: A Conversation”
- “Marriage for Gay Couples? A Conversation Among Church Members”
I strongly advise against using titles that frame the sessions as controversies or debates. To that end, avoid titles like these:
- “The Bible and Homosexuality”
- “Christianity and Homosexuality”
- “The Gay Versus Christian Debate”
- “The Same-Sex Marriage and the Church”
A Journey of Discernment
How shall we respond to the reality of gay people in the Christian community? How shall we respond to the request of gay Christian couples who want to be married–or already are married? To answer such questions churches need to go on a journey of discernment. Discernment requires
- Reliance on the Holy Spirit
- Prayer for God’s guiding insights
- Study of Scripture
- Study of the Bible scholarship
- Listening to the experience and insights of other Christians
- Humility with regard to our own limitations
- Trust that God will speak to us and to others
- Small groups with other Christians to carry on a process of discernment
When Christians gather for such discernment, they pray together, they study the Bible together, they study what other Christians have said and written about the Bible, they listen to the life stories and insights of other Christians, and then they tell others in the group what they believe God is revealing to them. Is your church ready for a discernment process about how the church should respond to gay Christians and gay couples? If so, I wish you God’s blessing on your journey! God will be with you!